The moon

Sometimes it appears so close....yet so far.

Inevitability and coincidence seem to be the theme for this month thus far. Merry Christmas indeed.

Why is it that the easiest things are sometimes the hardest to accomplish? To do right? To hold on to. And by easy I mean obvious...clear...with out fight.

I had a good night tonight. One of the best I've had in a while...but my torture...my return bad karma is making itself perfectly clear. I am but a pathetic earth bound soul...reaching for my moon. A drifting sailor...lost...shipwrecked...by his own fault...reaching for the passing sea turtle...hoping for a ride...for salvation...eventual forgiveness.

I know that my flight to the moon is a long one. Whether my cosmonauts journey turns out to be a fruitful success or a journey with no end is yet to be seen. Is the moon attainable? Will I get my sea turtle?

I guess I'll have to start swimming and hope her shell is accepting.

ps

Sometimes I just want to be alone. But my heart does not. Sometimes I feel I already am alone. But my heart does not.

Im tired of confusion

Hearts are a curse put upon the earth to torment and destroy. Im convinced of it.

I am fresh coming out of a marriage...a bad marriage. I had (without plan) a woman briefly that I had always wanted since we were kids. Why we did not continue with our relationship...I dont completely know. after a misunderstanding of sorts on both ends we decided it best to separate.

After that I (again unplanned) started a relationship with a good woman. I thought I was happy for a while. But my heart has since split. I have fallen away from her and we have become less and less happy together though it fluctuates. The way things are going, it feels inevitable to split and I dont see us in a truely long term relationship. My heart and my mind are and have been a thousand miles away...

I hurt for another...for the girl I had loved since childhood. But I dont know that she loves me. Communication is minimal, I am unsure of her intentions and feelings...

Even if I am to be alone, I am feeling a climax has been reached. I dont know what to do. Im happy but Im not. Im miserable but Im not. I feel like my issues are minimal and possibly contrived though....

Why cant I get her out of my head? Why cant I just get the balls to do what I know is inevitable...or necessary? Is it necessary?

Ill post more later.

The first awkward hello

I dont necessarily know why I'm doing this. I suppose it is primarily to see if "blogging" or keeping an online public (yet anonymous) journal is actually therapeutic as suggested. All I know is.. I am pent up. Much as many other individuals in this world, I have things on my mind that cannot be necessarily expressed openly. Or maybe I'm just afraid to do so.

In any case, here's to a possible future of digital expression.